Like a Lonely Bird on a Housetop: April 2012

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Reasons

There is an amazing intimacy with God that comes through no other way but suffering.
--Laura Story

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

It doesn't feel like it

I'm sorry, God, but it doesn't feel like I'm going to make it. I am so far over the top right now. I feel like I am on the verge of losing control. I am angry, overwhelmed, behind, overworked, unsupported, underpaid . Truly, the only thing I feel I have in my corner right now is You.
The people that say "we'll help you!" are gone. Certainly they can justify where they are and what they're doing, but that doesn't really help me, does it? Sick and lame.
--And now I hear, yet another one is on his way home. Also, sick and lame. Also, seeking to be nursed back to the health that never seems to come to them.
It only comes to me.
And that is why I am responsible for everything.

Oh no you aren't! You just make a big deal of everything.
Nothing is wrong.
Nothing is wrong.
Nothing is wrong.

A phrase I am a little too familiar with.

Except something is wrong. A person with no problems doesn't feel alone and abandoned for no reason. I have a reason. They won't accept it.

Everyone looks to me. Everyone looks to me
But, it doesn't feel like I can make it.
Not this time.
Not again.

Only You are in my corner. Would you help me? What would You do? Will I see it when it comes? Will I recognize the hand and know how to take it? Show me what you need me to do, to work with you, to pull me out of this pit. I need you to breathe truth into me, show me how to act.

I rely on you for breath.

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Hear my prayer, O LORD!
And let my cry for help come to You.
Do not hide Your face from me in
the day of my distress;
Incline Your ear to me;
In the day when I call answer me quickly.

For my days have been consumed in smoke,
And my bones have been scorched like a hearth.
My heart has been smitten like grass and
has withered away,
Indeed, I forget to eat my bread.
Because of the loudness of my groaning

My bones cling to my flesh.
I resemble a pelican of the wilderness;
I have become like an owl of the waste places.
I lie awake,
I have become like a lonely bird on a housetop

--Psalm 102:1 – 7

I don’t remember when it was, or where I was, when I first read these words. But I remember how it felt when I realized there was someone else who had once stood where I had. Someone who had been there. And understood.

I thought I was the only one who felt my days consumed in smoke. The only one whose bones had been scorched and whose heart had withered away. Maybe, the only one who had ever begged God not to turn His face away from me at the exact moment when I needed Him the most.

I have never forgotten the picture of being a lonely bird on a housetop. For many years now, that verse has come to symbolize to me a life that is a mysterious jumble of joy and pain. Of knowing God intimately, and yet dealing day by day with a heavy heart because of a chronic situation.

I have a good friend who once told me that anyone can live with a difficult situation for a while, but it’s the chronicity that pulls us under. No wants to live with chronicity, whether it’s pain in the body or pain in the heart. And no one wants to live around someone one that finds himself in a chronic situation. We want to get over things, to get well, to get a job, to have our children turn away from the lifestyles that hurt them. We want to meet God, fall in love with him and live happily ever after.

But, sometimes that’s just not the way it works. Not everyone finds God, marries Prince (or Princess) Charming and goes to live in the castle in the air. A lot of us find God, fall in love with him and begin a walk down a very long road that was not what we signed up for.

We can love God and still struggle. Struggle a lot. And sometimes we try to tell others about our struggles, and they don’t like it. And sometimes, when we just won’t be fixed, they grow tired and they leave us. And when friends and family start to disappear, then we know what it is like to be alone with God.

And we know what it is like to be a Lonely Bird on the Housetop.